Study is Over..

Well I had my study today with Treysa. It was good. We did more chatting than actual studying. I don't know if that's a good thing.. or what. I can say I enjoyed it. The study was about choosing proper entertainment. She's really getting on me to quit World of Warcraft. I know it's semi-bad.. but I don't see the problem, since that's the only entertainment aside from my crime shows, that I have.

Other than that, I'm hungry, but I really want Wendy's today. My mother has me limited to one fast food meal a week.. I haven't had mine yet.. aside from Sunday, but that wasn't my choice. Since I'm going to be gone tomorrow.. I wanna take today as my day. I haven't had Wendy's in forever it seems.

I'm so bored, I'm here talking about food. Or maybe that's not bordem.. maybe that's my love of food talking. Either way, I'm hungry, and I have to way an hour and a half for my mom to get home with my Wendy's. I'm temped to have a snack now.

I just remembered we have to go to the mall, and Wendy's is on the way.. maybe I should eat now, and get Wendy's on the way back.. but then what about dinner? I don't know. I'm terrible at this planning stuff.

Either way, I want me some fast food. That reminds me that I need to go to the bank to cash my last checks. This not getting money thing, sucks. I can't wait for the unemployment thing to kick in. I just wish I knew what it was based on. Like, they want my job history. Does that mean how much they give me is based on all the jobs, or just my last one?

This stuff is so confusing, I hate paper work. Getting infromation by talking is so much easier. You can't ask a peice of paper what it means by that.. but you can ask a person. I always hate job applications.. specially because I'm homeschooled.. They always ask for my school's location.. you try telling them your school is located in Cali.. they don't like that much.

It'd be nice if life were easy again.. when I didn't have to work, and I just wanted to. I liked it back then. I wish I could go back and slap myself.. I'd love to stop myself from talking my mom into letting me get a job.. it started this horrible 'you need to work' thing..

Bordom

It seems bordom always gets the best of me. I hate not working. I don't know what to do with myself. Typically I end up sleeping all day. Today I woke up at 10, then went back to sleep at 12.. and got up at 330. I'm sick of sleeping all day. It's not good for me.

I finally got my mother to watch Fringe with me, and she liked it, as I knew she would. You can't not like Fringe. It's one of the best shows I've seen in a long time. I just hope they don't ruin it somehow.

Since my brain jumps all over the place, I'm going to label every few paragraphs.. you'll see what I mean as I continue.

(Rock of Love Charm School)
I was catching up with Rock of Love Charm school today, and I must say, if someone murdered Lacy in a horrible horrible way.. I'm talking 'Saw' trap horrible... you know, like the ones you can't get out of? I would give them a hug, and shake their hand.

I've seen plenty of evil people out there, but Lacy is by far the worse. I honestly think they keep her on the show for good reviews.. not that ANYONE likes her. I'm routing for Heather. She's my favorite. Her or Destiny should win. If Lacy is in the top five, someone's going to get hurt. I hate that women with everything I have. I really wish someone would beat the crap out of her already.

(Shows in General)
Has anyone noticed that when they deside to play repeats, it's always the same episodes they repeat? Like in Degrassi.. I watch the show for a good year before I saw the one more important, dramatic episode. I kept wanting to see it, but it was never on.. Like, what are they thinking? Let's play this filler episode over and over.. and play the episode where a main charicter gets shot once or twice... Does that actually make sense to anyone?

How about the fact that I'vebeen watching repeats / new episodes of CSI for three seasons now.. I use to watch it everyday on Spike.. I'd like to know why I still haven't seen the episode where Nick gets barried alive! I've even tried getting it online.

I guess now is a good time to explain what brings on this rant about repeats. One of my favorite shows is Cold Case. It's another criminal drama. Unfortunetly, the show is on Sunday nights, and I'm usually busy all weekend. I don't really get to see new episodes, and since the show is on it's third season I believe, they don't show repeats that often. I've seen maybe 10 episodes of this show, 15 tops. I'd like to know why out of three seasons, it's the 10-15 episodes I have seen that are always on. I'm not even talking prime time either.. I'm talking 1am..

I'm getting very annoyed with this. At least I still see new episodes (new to me anyway) of CSI NY. It's the one show who's repeats aren't always the same. Although I've seen the same 'girl dead in a martini glass on a billboard' episode a few times.. But I'll catagorize that as a 'connected / series' episode. I guess now I have to describe what that means.

(Connected / Series Episodes)
This is a term I completely made up. You know on a show, when a side story takes place? Like on CSI, Say 5 murders in 5 episodes are all connected.. and they played in order... I would call that a series of episodes. Like the miniture killer in CSI. There were like, 10 episodes about the minitures. They were completely in order, there were some episodes inbetween, but you had to see all the miniture killer episodes to understand the story.

In CSI NY, for those that don't know, there was a 333 series. I call it the 333 series because it all started with Mac receiving a call at 3:33 am, from a number 333. It continued for awhile, and there were clues and such.. I don't want to spoil the surprize, so I won't give out any more details, but Mac called him the 333 caller. It too, spaned about 10 episodes.

Little series inside a show are what I call series / connected episodes.. sometimes only 2 episodes are connected.. those aren't really a series.. more of a simple connection. But you get what I mean.

(Devil = Hannah)
Maybe it's only criminal dramas that do that, because cases are sometimes linked. One of my favorite linked episodes was normal CSI.. a little girl named Hannah was a genius.. She was like, 8, and threw all the CSIs for a loop. Her brother had confessed to murder.. and she was a witness.. she got on the stand and said "I killed her, and this is what I wore" and she had a bloody t-shirt on. The CSIs went nuts.. and the brother got off.. turns out, he really did it.

She reappears a few seasons later.. when her brother's girlfriend 'jumps' out a window and falls to her death. Turns out she was guilty this time, but they don't have the evidance to prove it..

It is a very insane story line. The little girl reminds me of Lacy from Rock of Love. They are both down right evil. No good ever comes from them, and they have no emotions. They don't care about anyone but themselves..

I think that's all for tonight. I'll go on another rant tomorrow.. I promice.

eh... carmel

I had an odd dream today. You see, Treysa was suppost to come over to have the study, and I had totally forgot. I woke up to a knock at the door, I didn't check the time, I remember thinking 'oh crap my study.. oh well, she'll call me and I'll just tell her I forgot' I must have fallen asleep because I dreamed that I got up, and got dressed, and got the door, and she had brought someone, but I was in my PJS still.. then I woke up a little later, and looked at the clock.. it was 2 hours before she was coming.. still. So whoever knocked at my door earlier wasn't her, and my dream, which I thought was real, wasn't lol.

Anyway, she ended up calling and saying we'll have it tomorrow. So I went to see if the new episode of Fringe was up, and it was! So was House.. so I watched those shows, and let me just say, they were awesome. Fringe was insane.. so many twists. I can't wait till next Tuesday.

Sorry guys, but that's about all I have to say lol. Not much has happened. Although I made this carmel hot chocolate.. it was really good. If you like chocolate carmel things, you'll love that. Just get carmel you put on ice cream, and squirt a ton of it into your hot chocolate.

My fave is carmel mochas. You fill a cup half way with hot chocolate, and the rest coffee, then put a ton of carmel. It's really good. I have those all the time.

*sigh*

Well I just got home from the meeting. It's been a crazy day. When I say crazy I mean I don't remember much of it. This cold I have is having a strange effect on me. It's like I feel like I've been high or buzzed ever since I got it. I'm doing things, but not really realizing what I'm doing. I'm having conversations but not really remembering a word that was said.

Today, I remember waking up really late.. the next thing I remember was watching CSI NY. I remember eating little italian meat wrap things.. I remember apple cider.. and I remember the episode about the spirder.. I spent 3+ hours watching TV.. but that's all I got.. until the last hour. I remember that episode and I remember eating pizza and drinking root beer. That's about all.

I had a pounding headache and I took something for it. Went to the meeting, which was interesting. It seemed to just fly by. Either that, or once again, I don't remember much. I seem to be losing time in my memory. I don't know what time it is most of the time. My consept of time is jacked lately.

I've also found that I'm very tired. I always want to sleep. I have no energy. That's been going on for almost a month. I can't stand it. I want to have fun and be wild, but my body is too tired. There's no reason for this. It's not like I work, or get up early. I sleep all day.. I don't see why I'm always so tired.

On top of all that, I missed Fringe. I should have had time, but my mom had to drop something off at my uncle's house. That put me back 30 mins. I missed half. Now, I don't know if you guys have ever actually watched the show, but even seeing the whole thing, you get lost sometimes. Never mind coming in half way. Every second of that show is super important. There's always some huge thing to figure out. You can't miss half the show then start watching.

Now I can't wait for them to put it on Hulu. I'm so impatient at this point. That and I know a new episode of House will be put up soon. The wait is killing me. It's like those days way back when, when I missed the new episode of avatar. I would sit at my comp all day, refreshing, hoping someone put it up.

I don't even know what tonight's episode was about, but I know it will be insane because they always are. Insane and super interesting. I just want to see what's going to happen next lol.

For those of you who have never seen Fringe, It's not too late to start watching. I've added a link to the episodes under my links. Feel free to check it out.
** You have to Start with episode 1 **

I can't stand these braces. I'm kinda hungry right now, but I don't want to eat because I don't feel like brushing my teeth again, and if I eat, I'll have to. I'm so sick of brushing after every single meal. I just want to eat in peace. I want to not have to worry about whats all in my braces. What I'd give to eat a burger pain free, and not worry about what I look like as I eat it.

Two years.. Two more years I have to deal with these things in my mouth. The idea of being 20 when they get taken off is heart breaking. I want to be normal.. nothing about having braces at 20 is normal. I know plenty of people have done it, or had them older.. and I know this sounds selfish.. but I really don't care.

I could have had then when I was 14, like everyone else.. but my stupid father decided to leave my mom, and we were poor. So the topic is sensitive. I'm so sick of people saying 'oh it could be worse' tell me one way my father leaving us, making it so I had to wait this long to have these things, could possibly be worse? There's isn't one. And if you do happen to think of one, good for you. I don't give a crap.

I'm going to bed now that I've made myself angry. Goodnight

Depression

I'm going to explain a little further what I mean. My obsession isn't a friendly one. That's really the problem. I have friends, and I love them to death. Friends aren't what I'm missing, although I'd love to have more. I'm missing a man. I know it sounds funny, but I am still stuck on my goal of marriage. I've been saying I want to get married for years now. It started when I was 15.

I watch these shows and think.. 'I want someone with that quality as my husband'. It's crazy, I know, but that's the problem. Now I'm at a point where I'm being told I'm not ready, and I have to wait longer.

I try not to think about it. I try to just have fun with friends, do what I need to do to be ready when someone does come along.. but the idea that it could be years is just depressing. I don't want to wait. I try to ignore it, to just move on.. then I see an episode of Avatar, or I'll go see a movie like Twilight, and it starts all over again.

I feel like I can't win. No matter what I do, it changes nothing.

Being Sick Sucks

There's nothing I hate more than being sick, and this cold I have couldn't have come at a worse time. I just got my braces on, so eating wasn't the easiest thing in the world for me. The first two days were pure torture. On top of that, I had just lot my job, which is a long, dramatic story. Maybe if I get really bored I'll tell everyone, that is, if anyone actually wants to hear it. I think I got away from the topic.. right.. my cold.. this cold is horrific. I can't hear out of my ears, I can't breathe through my nose, my eyes are all red, and I have a really bad cold soar.

For some reason, I am all messed up as far as what day it is. I woke up this morning thinking it was Wednesday, saying, 'where is dan, he doesn't have to be at work for another hour, mom said he was working to 7 on Wednesday which means he had to go in 2 hours later' and literally 10 minutes later I remember thinking 'omg its Tuesday and I haven't studied for the meeting tonight!' and it wasn't like I realized it wasn't Wednesday. They were both paniced reactings, and true. I honestly thought it was those days, and didn't realized that I did it twice in a short period of time with two different days until Treysa knocked on my door for our bible study. Then I remembered it was Monday, and realized that it wasn't Wednesday, or Tuesday lol.

We didn't even have our study. We were both sick, so we sat there chatting about people and events. We talked about the family dinner. She's not really family, but she's one of the 'adopted' family members I mentioned in an earlier post. You see.. my cousin Crystal is her best friend and they lived together for a time. Treysa was also my baby sitter until I didn't need one anymore. I consider her the big sister I never had.

After that, I went upstairs to check my phone and that's when I realized the whole driver's ed thing. Yes I do realize I am skipping around like a mad woman. I figured if I'm going to post about my day, I might as well include my 'big sister'. It's only fair, don't you think?

What ended up happening with that, was he called me, left me a message saying that he was at my house, and that I hadn't called to cancel. He also said he was going to wait a few more minutes, then leave.. I didn't get the phone, and he left a few minutes later. We haven't called to reschedule, but I'm totally going to have my mother do it.

Speaking of my mother, she wasn't happy with the situation, as I knew she wouldn't be. We got into a tiny fight, and by tiny, I mean loud talking.. then it was over. She realized it was both of our faults. She had forgotten about the money, I and totally forgot to remind her. So we went to walmart and got dinner, and snakes.

I got this Pumpkin Cheesecake and it's heavenly. It's like pumpkin pie, with a hint of cheesecake to it. It's soo good. It's also mushy and I don't have to chew it. That's always a plus when your gums hurt.


I spent a lot of time thinking today. Thinking about my flaws, and things I need to work on. I've realized that my biggest problem is my obbsessive / addictive personality. Once I start something, I tend to get addicted, and stopping isn't even thought of. Look at me with Avatar. The mear thought of the show gets me all excited, then depressed that it ended. I mean, I was in love with a charicter... not even an actor.. just a drawn image. I always told myself that it was good. It meant I wasn't shallow, and that I went by personality, but that's something I've known for a long time.

Sometimes my addictions are harmless. There's nothing wrong with watching House, and nothing wrong with keeping up with CSI. Those addictions aren't as strong, and they aren't a dangor. My Avatar addiction, now that.. if the show continued.. it would have eaten me up. It was already to the point where every night there was some form of bending in my dreams.. and when I took a shower.. I would try to bend the water. Luckly for me, my obbsession never made me punch a rock. I guess inside I always knew the water wasn't going to move, and when I punched towards fire, it wouldn't move either.. but I had to try.

Avatar was always important to me. I use to dream that it was real. That there was some paralelle univers that only benders could accsess.. and that someday, I'd be found by them.. and that I'd be the Avatar of this universe.. Yeah I know.. I'm insane, and crazy.. and I belong in a mental instetution.. but to be honest.. I tried that, and I didn't belong there. Even the other patients knew that =P but that's really a story for another day.

Anyway, my point, is that today in walmart.. I walked by the book section. I saw the Twilight book. Now I saw that movie less than a week ago, and it's all I've been thinking about. I don't know if it's me, or the fact that everywhere I look there's something about Twilight, but I can feel that the obbsession is there. I know I will fall in love with Edward, just like I knew I'd fall for Zuko. I'm trying so hard not to give in. I could have gotten that book. I know my mom never says no to me reading.. but let's say I got it. What would happen?

I'll tell you what. I wouldn't do anything but read. I'd read the whole thing in one day. That's no exaderation. I read all of "Thirteen Reasons Why" the day I got it. Once I get into a story, there's no turing back. I know if I read those books, I'll be gone, into that world. Another imaginary world.. that there's no hope I'll ever get to be part of.

I guess my point is, I don't really know where to go from here. I know my problem is there, but there is such a draw.. I want to read them so bad.. I WANT to get closer to Edward.. and I want him to be real..

Maybe my draw to these fictional charicters has something to do with the fact that they'll never turn me down. They aren't real, and they don't know me. Even if they pick another girl, I can argue and justify it in my head 'well I wasn't an option'. That's what I said when Zuko and Mai ended up together.

I'm Confused

I don't really understand why my family doesn't have everything together. There is no organization with us. I've tried everything from calenders on the fridge, to using Google Calender and connecting my mother and my calenders so we will be on schedule. Nothing seems to work. Let me explain why I'm going on about it.

It's currently 2:48 pm. I got a message from my mother at 1:20 reminding me about Driver's Ed at 3. Since then, I've been trying to get in touch with her. You see, each driving lesson costs $45. I do not have the money, and she didn't leave it for me. I can't do the lesson without the money, and I don't have the number to call and cancel it. No, my mother has that. So I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do.

On top of all that, my teacher is married to a witness, and opposed to the truth. He knows I'm a witness, so it's not like pretending I just forgot is an option. I need to be on my best behavior, and right now I really don't have an option but to fail at that. The way I look at it, I've got 3 options. Do nothing, and pretend I'm not home when he comes. That is probably the best thing since I do horribly when dealing with people, and it terrifys me. I can call the office and leave a message and he'll get it later on today.. but come to my house anyway, or I can go out there when he comes and explain that I can't have it. He'll be mad, and I'll have to deal with it.

You see.. this is when I'd love to just not be here. I hate crap like this. Not only did I completely forget about the lesson today until I just had enough time to get ready, but I can't even go if I was ready. I don't have the money.

If anyone has any ideas on how to get this crazy family in tune, and not wild.. please let me know.


In other news, I read the book Thirteen Reasons Why (connected with 'Hannah's Reasons') yesterday, and yes, I did buy the book yesterday too. I'm one of those people who can't put an interesting book down. That's why I don't read much. I know that sounds funny, but it's the truth. If I start reading, it's addicting.

It's funny really. I know a lot of people that quit World of Warcraft because they can't get off, and because of that, people try to get me to quit. They think the whole game is bad because some people have a problem with it. I'm not saying the game is perfect and there's nothing wrong with it. The violence may bother some, but my conscience is not bothered, and people should respect that.

My addiction is a good story line. If I find a great story line, I can't stop reading about it, or watching it. Like Avatar: The Last Airbender. Once I started watching, I became obbsessed. I know, I know.. It's a stupid thing, but I love it.

Great.. he's here. Now what? I'm going to ignore him, and I'm going to regret it later. I hate this. If I tell him it will be ackward. I hate ackward things. It would bother me endlessly... It would eat me up if it's ackward..

Yes, you read that right.. ackwardness eats me up. If a situation I'm in is ackward, no matter who it's with, it will eat me up. If you're ever with me, and you see me randomly shake my head, almost in a twitching manner.. it's because I was thinking of an ackward / embarrassing situation. That twitchy shake of my head, was me trying to jolt the thought away.

And now my phone is ringing.. it's a weird number. I don't think it's him.. probably a telemarketer. I get them all the time:
"Hello, This is the second notice that the warrenty on your vehicle is about to expire!'
You know what's really funny? Last I checked, I don't own a vehicle. I don't even drive. And I love how the first call was the third notice, and the second call I recieved was the first notice. Appearently these people can't count.

I'm looking and I've typed a lot today. I'm sure no one will take the time to read all this, but if you do, if you decide you'd like to know what's on my mind, let me know, and I'll keep on adding =P

I <3 My Family

Last night we have a large family dinner. Extended family / Adopted family included. As much as my aunts can drive me crazy, they weren't so bad last night. Diane gave me a drink, and Mishy was cool with it. It was nice to not have drama for once.

I had lots of fun playing cards with my friends / cousins. I hadn't done something with my cousins in a concentrated setting in many years. I use to be so close to them before my father left and destroyed the family life we were going for. I use to go to my aunt Laura's house every weekend, and the whole family was always there. Bryan, Elon and I would play outside. It's funny, I don't really remember springs or summers growing up. I remember a few little times at the beach, but no reoccurring themes. But boy do I remember the Fall. Every year, we would do family football get togethers. So many times I remember Bryan and Elon torturing me outside whether it was throwing me into the leaves, chasing me with bugs.. or whatever else they felt like doing.

I want to say I was around 8 when all that stopped. There were a few other times we all hung out, but not like that. It was cool, even though they still drive me nuts a little... okay a lot, but still. We had fun.. or at least I did.

I am honestly shocked I enjoyed myself seeing as I have a horrible cold, I just got my braces on, and I have a cold sore that almost takes up my whole chin... okay that was an exaggeration, but it's still a big one. I honestly could hardly eat. I had stuffing and mashed potatoes, and that was all. It was some really good stuffing though.. and I know my stuffing.. maybe someday when I'm really bored I'll explain that stuffing comment, but not today.

I felt like death this morning but today didn't turn out so bad. Since I had like, 5 coughing fits during the meeting, I spent a considerable amount of time in the bathroom. I talked to a few different sisters that I probably wouldn't have talked to otherwise. It was nice to talk to different people.

I was able to talk my mother into taking me to the store to buy me a book I was very interested in. As much as I'd love to tell you all about it, I feel like the only way for it to be as crazy and interesting for you, is if I show you simply the information I got to begin with.

Hannah's Reasons

The blog I just linked you was linked to me by an ad on a random site. I was watching a show, and a commercial came on with just Hannah's first tape. I was very interested in what it was, so I went to the blog. If you're going to listen to them, do it in order, or it won't make sense.